Shots

Life is...Shots

We took David to the doctor's office for his annual check-up. I had been prepping him that he may need to get a shot. He was very upset. Mad. I tried to explain that I was only allowing it, because if he didn't get the shot he could die. That a little pain now is better than getting really, really sick. 

While we were at the doctor's office they also had to get rid of the wart on the bottom of his foot. So, the nurse came in to give the shot. David sat on my lap. I was holding him. He was mad about the shot and cried, but that was over pretty quickly. 

Then came the wart removal. The nurse had to DIG + DIG + DIG it out. I held and huggged him.
Chris and I tried to talk to him and comfort him as he cried and said, “IT HURTS!” After the digging came the freezing – OVER + OVER she placed it on the infected area. More tears. More begging us to make it stop. It was hard for me as a mom, even knowing why it was being done. 

More hugs and trying to explain why this was happening. After it was over (and some ice cream) he was fine. 

But it made me think... is this how God deals with us when we are in pain? 
-Trying to comfort us. 
-Trying to explain to us. 
But how do you explain? 
How do you explain to a five year old the reason for the shot? 
Do they really understand? 
Or do you just hope that they understand how much you LOVE them and that you wouldn’t allow the pain unless it was necessary. 

That there is a BIGGER picture. That it will help them in the future. 
Is God saying something similar during our time of pain?

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India

Life is...India

I am not doing well. Mentally. I don’t know how to process this all. I just want to hide. To sleep. To get away from all this. I don’t even know what “this” is. God I’m feeling so much and I’m scared. I’m scared. What am I supposed to do with these feelings. What am I supposed to do when I can’t even think. When I can’t even put words toge

ther when I don’t know what I’m thinking, just that I’m feeling something. I’m hurting Lord. I’m hurting. I feel in a daze. I don’t really want to talk to anyone. I’m afraid they will tell me something that I’m not supposed to hear – that is not from You. What do I do with the knowledge that You have given to me today? What do I do with it? It feels like it’s suffocating me. I don’t know what’s suffocating me, just that something is. 

I think it’s so hard to know what to do – what to think – how to act. Lord, I don’t even know what I’m writing, just that I need to write, just that I need answers, just that, just that. I feel like you’re breaking my heart, for what purpose? What should I do? What should I do? I don’t want to get caught up in the silliness of this life, of what doesn’t matter, of conversations that will only hurt me and not build me up. I take things so seriously, so emotionally, so deeply, and sometimes I can’t deal with it. Who can I trust? Who can I share with? Who will give me sound council? 

I take things so personally, and I want to fix everything, and things impact me so deeply. I want to retreat. I don’t want to know more. Break my heart for what breaks yours, but I don’t know if I can. My heart isn’t as big as your heart. A verse just came to mind, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” ~Isaiah 55:9 I’m so tired. This has made me so tired. Exhausted. I don’t even feel like I can smile, because I’m hurting inside. I have to remember I'm only seeing a small portion, a tiny story, and God I pray that You, only You, only You, only You show us what to do with that.

A little background…this was written in India after hearing firsthand, horrific stories of persecution – beatings, death, and rape because of their belief in Jesus. Their resolution to not back down from their faith – not denying Jesus. It was so much to take in – too much. 

I wasn’t sure if I would share my feelings and writing  – it is not well-written, but it is real. It is truth. It is raw. After writing and writing and writing - not knowing how I was going to get out of bed and face the rest of the day God gave me what I needed – not all the answers, but enough peace to continue. To smile. To rejoice. 

But, it doesn’t really matter where I was coming from. I think every single person has felt like this – overwhelmed, actually more than overwhelmed, drowning, right? 

If I lay my burdens down. If I take the TIME to talk with Him. He will answer you. He will give you Peace.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." ~Matthew 7:7-8