Life is...Loss
Recently I have become vigilant about what I say to a grieving family after a loved one has passed away, namely what questions I ask...how old was he, did she have kids, was he married? I have asked these questions countless times myself, because I didn’t know what to say or genuinely wanted to know more about the person. However, I discovered that these questions, though not meant to be hurtful, often are, because what the grieving person hears is...since they didn’t have kids it’s not as sad? Because they were a certain age it’s okay? We try to make the loss easier or comfort others, but many times only add to the pain. We don’t need to rationalize someone’s death, but realize that no matter how old, how they passed away, or what their marital status was: that person is missed.
I realized this more fully when we miscarried for the second time. The first time was physically painless and happened quickly. This miscarriage was drawn out for days, included two visits to the midwives, two ER visits, was physically painful, and ended with emergency surgery. I have realized over the last week that though our baby was never born, he or she impacted a lot of lives: from the ER doctor who had tears in her eyes as she gave us the news that our baby had died, to friends and family who grieved with us, and to me being so thankful to have our son - even more thankful each day than I was before, which I thought was impossible.
As mothers we have been given such a special gift in carrying our babies. My husband is not struggling with the loss as much as I am. We both have profound faith and know that it is God’s will. We’re not angry, and we know our baby is in heaven, but at first I was a little upset that he wasn’t mourning as much as me. Then God put something on my heart...I carried the baby, if only for a small time.
I was reminded of our baby growing inside of me every moment of every day, where he wasn’t. Every coffee not drank, every back pain, every upset stomach, every excruciating cramp was a reminder that I had a baby. What a special gift God has given women, though pregnancy and birth are uncomfortable, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I pray I will be given the opportunity to carry another baby - and carry him or her full-term, to hold another baby in my arms, to give him or her love. This is my prayer.
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