Life is...Waiting 4 Death

Life is...Waiting 4 Death

Just rants. Just rants. Just rants.
No checking. No filter. No censoring. No...

Just pure emotion. Pure heartache.
Pure sadness.

Confusion.

What?
What am I supposed to do?
How do you wait?
How do you wait for someone you love to die?
How do you go on as normal?
How do you be there for them?
What is enough?
What is right?
What helps?
What?

Cry. Cry. Breakdown.
Grieving before the death.
Grieving as if death had already come.
Grief.
Pain.
Sadness.

What do I say?
Do I pretend everything is normal?
Do I breakdown?
Do I say everything I’ve said before?

Do you know?
Do you know how I feel?
Do you know how much you’ll be missed?
Do you know?

Memories
I have them.
No - it’s not enough.

Don’t say contrite things.
Don’t try to take away my sadness.
Let me be.
Let me mourn.
Let me.

It may not be right, but this is how I feel.

I love you Gma!

~Nancy Bruscher
www.GenerationsToGenerations.com
Dedicated to Capturing Memories
Blog: https://lifeisbynancy.blogspot.com

Dreams (part 2)

Life is...Dreams (part 2)

Waiting for someone to die is hard, emotionally draining. I was miles away struggling: how do I be there for her and my family? Had I done enough? Had I said everything I wanted to say? I had, a million times, but still those doubts come. Gma wanted to go to heaven. I had never seen her stop fighting before. She was ready.

Sometimes I asked God, why don’t you take her? Please don’t make her suffer!

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11

God’s timing is perfect!

Maybe Gma was ready, but her friends and family weren’t. God had something to teach us through that time of waiting.

Dreams

Life is...Dreams

Grandma (Gma) Redenius and I were sitting in a parking lot. I was driving and she was in the passenger seat. She said, “Get a cookie if there are still some in the freezer.” I knew she meant one of hers – cooking and baking were part of who she was & she passed on that gift. I gave her another huge hug and with tears in my eyes I said, “You know I love you very much.” She nodded. She was almost too tired to respond. She looked at me and said, “You have to let me go now. I need to rest.” I agreed. I put her car into drive, held her hand, and said, “I will be right here.” We started driving. She closed her eyes and not long after, she went to heaven. I pulled over, cried, and opened the window (symbolically letting her spirit go).

I woke up.

The clock said 3:44 am. I knew I wouldn’t be sleeping anymore that night. I went to the bathroom & prayed. My daughter cried. I was reminded that life goes on, even if we’re not ready for it to. (Ecclesiastes 3:2) I fed Rachel and then covered up my son and gave him a kiss before I started the long day…

I waited to hear - was Gma still in hospice or was she finally Home.

Home with the Lord she had served her whole life.

Loss

Life is...Loss

Recently I have become vigilant about what I say to a grieving family after a loved one has passed away, namely what questions I ask...how old was he, did she have kids, was he married? I have asked these questions countless times myself, because I didn’t know what to say or genuinely wanted to know more about the person. However, I discovered that these questions, though not meant to be hurtful, often are, because what the grieving person hears is...since they didn’t have kids it’s not as sad? Because they were a certain age it’s okay? We try to make the loss easier or comfort others, but many times only add to the pain. We don’t need to rationalize someone’s death, but realize that no matter how old, how they passed away, or what their marital status was: that person is missed. 

I realized this more fully when we miscarried for the second time. The first time was physically painless and happened quickly. This miscarriage was drawn out for days, included two visits to the midwives, two ER visits, was physically painful, and ended with emergency surgery. I have realized over the last week that though our baby was never born, he or she impacted a lot of lives: from the ER doctor who had tears in her eyes as she gave us the news that our baby had died, to friends and family who grieved with us, and to me being so thankful to have our son - even more thankful each day than I was before, which I thought was impossible. 

As mothers we have been given such a special gift in carrying our babies. My husband is not struggling with the loss as much as I am. We both have profound faith and know that it is God’s will. We’re not angry, and we know our baby is in heaven, but at first I was a little upset that he wasn’t mourning as much as me. Then God put something on my heart...I carried the baby, if only for a small time.

I was reminded of our baby growing inside of me every moment of every day, where he wasn’t. Every coffee not drank, every back pain, every upset stomach, every excruciating cramp was a reminder that I had a baby. What a special gift God has given women, though pregnancy and birth are uncomfortable, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I pray I will be given the opportunity to carry another baby - and carry him or her full-term, to hold another baby in my arms, to give him or her love. This is my prayer. 

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