India

Life is...India

I am not doing well. Mentally. I don’t know how to process this all. I just want to hide. To sleep. To get away from all this. I don’t even know what “this” is. God I’m feeling so much and I’m scared. I’m scared. What am I supposed to do with these feelings. What am I supposed to do when I can’t even think. When I can’t even put words toge

ther when I don’t know what I’m thinking, just that I’m feeling something. I’m hurting Lord. I’m hurting. I feel in a daze. I don’t really want to talk to anyone. I’m afraid they will tell me something that I’m not supposed to hear – that is not from You. What do I do with the knowledge that You have given to me today? What do I do with it? It feels like it’s suffocating me. I don’t know what’s suffocating me, just that something is. 

I think it’s so hard to know what to do – what to think – how to act. Lord, I don’t even know what I’m writing, just that I need to write, just that I need answers, just that, just that. I feel like you’re breaking my heart, for what purpose? What should I do? What should I do? I don’t want to get caught up in the silliness of this life, of what doesn’t matter, of conversations that will only hurt me and not build me up. I take things so seriously, so emotionally, so deeply, and sometimes I can’t deal with it. Who can I trust? Who can I share with? Who will give me sound council? 

I take things so personally, and I want to fix everything, and things impact me so deeply. I want to retreat. I don’t want to know more. Break my heart for what breaks yours, but I don’t know if I can. My heart isn’t as big as your heart. A verse just came to mind, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” ~Isaiah 55:9 I’m so tired. This has made me so tired. Exhausted. I don’t even feel like I can smile, because I’m hurting inside. I have to remember I'm only seeing a small portion, a tiny story, and God I pray that You, only You, only You, only You show us what to do with that.

A little background…this was written in India after hearing firsthand, horrific stories of persecution – beatings, death, and rape because of their belief in Jesus. Their resolution to not back down from their faith – not denying Jesus. It was so much to take in – too much. 

I wasn’t sure if I would share my feelings and writing  – it is not well-written, but it is real. It is truth. It is raw. After writing and writing and writing - not knowing how I was going to get out of bed and face the rest of the day God gave me what I needed – not all the answers, but enough peace to continue. To smile. To rejoice. 

But, it doesn’t really matter where I was coming from. I think every single person has felt like this – overwhelmed, actually more than overwhelmed, drowning, right? 

If I lay my burdens down. If I take the TIME to talk with Him. He will answer you. He will give you Peace.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." ~Matthew 7:7-8