Perfectionism

Life is...Perfectionism

It has been a long since I posted a blog. Yes, I have been very, very busy, but if I am honest I haven't written, because of my perfectionism.

I want the blog to be perfect - for example the layout and highlighting of my latest blogs annoys me. Why is it formatting that way?

But more importantly I want the content to be perfect - BUT IT CAN'T.

I am human. 

I will do my best. 

I will ask God for the right words.

I will pray that it is helpful to you.

But if it's not or you disagree, that's OK. We can disagree and still be friends or disagree and still be loving to one another. 

Is that too much to ask in our society? 

Disagreement with love?

There's your ? for the day.

-Thank you for sharing my blog.

The Prostitute's Bed

 Life is...The Prostitute's Bed 

I had the opportunity to go on a short-term mission trip to India last year – I felt so bold showing and sharing about Jesus. We prayed out loud with people of different faiths in a county where evangelism is prohibited. We went in the slums and brothels, where we sat on the women’s beds where they make their living. We listened to their story, hugged them and prayed with them. We met with a man who used to own women and sold them in the brothel, and prayed with him.

I know I’m equipped, so what is holding me back from doing this every day?
One of the beauties of a short-term mission trip is the limited amount of time you have. It gives an urgency to speaking and sharing Jesus’s love. Yes, intellectually I know that we don’t have much time here on earth, but it’s hard to live in that mindset. 
So, I think the answer is being on short-term mission in every day life….I can say for the next 2 weeks I am going to work on showing God’s love to my neighbors. The following 2 weeks I’ll focus on showing love while doing errands. The next 2 weeks showing love at work, and ON and ON. This can easily keep me engaged and not growing complacent with God’s call to love others.

Another reason I find it so hard to love others around me is people are confusing, annoying, frustrating, complicated, & irritating. I know, that applies to me too! In a lot of ways it is easier to love someone I just met – it gets harder as I realize their strengths and weaknesses, and they get to know mine. It is easy to show God’s love for a moment – harder for a lifetime. Personally I get worn out and tired of dealing with people in this broken world. When I get discouraged I turn to God’s word. Here are some of my favorites.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” ~John‬ ‭16:33‬ ‭NIV‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” ~‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6:9‬ ‭NIV‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

My prayer is that I will be bold in sharing Jesus’s love EVERYWHERE I go.

Another Child

Life is…Another Child

My most viewed post by far has been about my miscarriage. It is something I think about every day – I don’t know that it’s in an obsessive way, just in a way of, I can’t forget about the baby we almost had.  I wanted to do something to remember and maybe finalize the grieving process – I wanted to sponsor a child, monthly giving, to a child that needs help. I picked a boy that was born on the day that our baby died.

People grieve and remember their miscarried babies in many ways. I pray this is a good way to continue the grieving and healing process.

I Need Baby Jesus!

Life is...I Need Baby Jesus!

Since we started decorating and talking about Jesus being born at Christmas Rachel will not stop saying...
-I need Baby Jesus.
-I want to see Baby Jesus!
-Where is Baby Jesus?
-I can’t sleep without Baby Jesus.
-Here is Baby Jesus!

*She has been carrying around and sleeping with this little nativity. And showing it to all of us, all the time, so much so, that it is kind of annoying. She wants to read books about Baby Jesus, only watch shows about Baby Jesus.

+BUT what if I was a little more like Rachel? What if I couldn’t stop thinking and telling others about Jesus. What if I needed Him more?

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18:1-6‬ ‭NIV‬‬  “At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me. “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.”

Busy

Life is...Busy

What percentage of people define their life by the word BUSY? 95%? I don’t know, but I understand. That’s how I would describe our life right now, and it’s true, and I know so many people are really BUSY. My grandma is busy – I think she has more on her social calendar than I do, and that’s amazing!

I kept thinking this morning what if we tried to describe our life in more than just BUSY?...

-Busy & overwhelming.

-Busy but good.

-Fun.

-Stressful.

-Exciting.

I think a problem can become if we tell ourselves or speak “BUSY” all the time – that’s what we are, even if we can slow down. Even if we are slowing down we don’t feel it.

The worst part may be that if we are constantly speaking “BUSY” into our lives we miss out on where God wants to speak His BUSY in, but we may not give a Him a second to tell us who to be BUSY with or what to be BUSY with.

Is it the right kind of BUSY?

Shots

Life is...Shots

We took David to the doctor's office for his annual check-up. I had been prepping him that he may need to get a shot. He was very upset. Mad. I tried to explain that I was only allowing it, because if he didn't get the shot he could die. That a little pain now is better than getting really, really sick. 

While we were at the doctor's office they also had to get rid of the wart on the bottom of his foot. So, the nurse came in to give the shot. David sat on my lap. I was holding him. He was mad about the shot and cried, but that was over pretty quickly. 

Then came the wart removal. The nurse had to DIG + DIG + DIG it out. I held and huggged him.
Chris and I tried to talk to him and comfort him as he cried and said, “IT HURTS!” After the digging came the freezing – OVER + OVER she placed it on the infected area. More tears. More begging us to make it stop. It was hard for me as a mom, even knowing why it was being done. 

More hugs and trying to explain why this was happening. After it was over (and some ice cream) he was fine. 

But it made me think... is this how God deals with us when we are in pain? 
-Trying to comfort us. 
-Trying to explain to us. 
But how do you explain? 
How do you explain to a five year old the reason for the shot? 
Do they really understand? 
Or do you just hope that they understand how much you LOVE them and that you wouldn’t allow the pain unless it was necessary. 

That there is a BIGGER picture. That it will help them in the future. 
Is God saying something similar during our time of pain?

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India

Life is...India

I am not doing well. Mentally. I don’t know how to process this all. I just want to hide. To sleep. To get away from all this. I don’t even know what “this” is. God I’m feeling so much and I’m scared. I’m scared. What am I supposed to do with these feelings. What am I supposed to do when I can’t even think. When I can’t even put words toge

ther when I don’t know what I’m thinking, just that I’m feeling something. I’m hurting Lord. I’m hurting. I feel in a daze. I don’t really want to talk to anyone. I’m afraid they will tell me something that I’m not supposed to hear – that is not from You. What do I do with the knowledge that You have given to me today? What do I do with it? It feels like it’s suffocating me. I don’t know what’s suffocating me, just that something is. 

I think it’s so hard to know what to do – what to think – how to act. Lord, I don’t even know what I’m writing, just that I need to write, just that I need answers, just that, just that. I feel like you’re breaking my heart, for what purpose? What should I do? What should I do? I don’t want to get caught up in the silliness of this life, of what doesn’t matter, of conversations that will only hurt me and not build me up. I take things so seriously, so emotionally, so deeply, and sometimes I can’t deal with it. Who can I trust? Who can I share with? Who will give me sound council? 

I take things so personally, and I want to fix everything, and things impact me so deeply. I want to retreat. I don’t want to know more. Break my heart for what breaks yours, but I don’t know if I can. My heart isn’t as big as your heart. A verse just came to mind, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” ~Isaiah 55:9 I’m so tired. This has made me so tired. Exhausted. I don’t even feel like I can smile, because I’m hurting inside. I have to remember I'm only seeing a small portion, a tiny story, and God I pray that You, only You, only You, only You show us what to do with that.

A little background…this was written in India after hearing firsthand, horrific stories of persecution – beatings, death, and rape because of their belief in Jesus. Their resolution to not back down from their faith – not denying Jesus. It was so much to take in – too much. 

I wasn’t sure if I would share my feelings and writing  – it is not well-written, but it is real. It is truth. It is raw. After writing and writing and writing - not knowing how I was going to get out of bed and face the rest of the day God gave me what I needed – not all the answers, but enough peace to continue. To smile. To rejoice. 

But, it doesn’t really matter where I was coming from. I think every single person has felt like this – overwhelmed, actually more than overwhelmed, drowning, right? 

If I lay my burdens down. If I take the TIME to talk with Him. He will answer you. He will give you Peace.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." ~Matthew 7:7-8